I know you have a problem

You've got a problem. I know you have a problem. Your family knows you've got a problem. Everyone seems to know you've got a problem. Everyone, that is, but you.

What does one do in such a situation? How do we help someone who does not want to be helped? In Mosiah we learn that we are to mourn with those that mourn and bear one another's burdens. How do we live that teaching, especially when the person who needs help won't get it?

The issue is that you are likely to come to me for help. But it will be help for problems that you could solve if you'd solve your core problem. But you don't see the core problem. Or you see it and won't do anything about it.

King Benjamin teaches we ought to offer help whenever it is requested without judgment of the person seeking help. Does that mean I give the help I'm asked to give, or I try to solve the root problem?

At least one of the reasons King Benjamin gives for his direction to help everyone without judgment is that we're all beggars. We're all in the same boat (or at least similar boats) and we all need help. And that means I probably have a bigger root problem that someone else sees better than I do, too. Related to that reality is that I may not be in the best position to judge what your real problem is. I can't see into your heart. I'm not a trained professional counselor. I'm not your religious leader. I'm just a parent or a friend, or even just a guy you ask for help.

When we do things for people that they could and should be doing for themselves, we are at risk of enabling behaviors that are not healthy in the long run. People in "Anon" program like Al-Anon or Families Anonymous or the church's Family Support Groups (a companion program to the Addiction Recovery Program, but not yet available everywhere) learn the dangers of enabling alcoholics or addicts, since enabling typically does nothing to encourage change in the addict. (Stopping the enabling is also no guarantee that an addict will seek change, by the way. But, as the slogan goes: If nothing changes, nothing changes.)

Enabling goes beyond cases of addiction. Enabling behaviors could also slow the preparation of young people to enter the adult world. They can hide the true effects of abuse in a family. They can allow a co-worker to work less than he's paid to. And more.

So, how do I decide how to help?