We had a delightful surprise last week. The son of good friends we knew in college (and my dear wife knew in high school) is beginning grad school at a university near us, and so son and his wife and baby, AND their parents (our old friends) spent nearly a week with us while son and his family were finding a place to live and getting settled.
Old friends are remarkable. When we got together it was like we'd lived next door to one another instead of having decades between us and our last visit. We found we still share many interests in common, and we've even had preferred TV shows, books and movies in common after all these years.
And it's not like our paths have been similar. I'm a career corporate guy and my wife is a SAHM; our friends are fiercely entrepreneurial, carpe diem kinds of folks. Yes, we've all stayed active in the church, but even our church experience has been unique because of where we've lived.
But still, the things that make us friends, the shared history (even if long ago) and the ties of love and friendship still endure all these years later.
It's made me reflect on why some friendships last (like this one) and others seem to fade as our circles of shared interest or activity migrate away from one another. To be sure some friendships fade because the bonds were never in place; they may have been driven by a shared activity or geography but never deepened enough to withstand distance and time apart. Others may fade because one or the other person changes enough to strain the common bonds -- a change in political views or religious practice may make the relationship too uncomfortable for one or the other.
I yearn for close friendships. Seeing our old friends this week, and staying up late into the night each night despite the need to get up for work the next morning, reminded me of the happiness of shared experience, shared trust, shared love and support. The bond we have with these friends is unique for us. Though we have other friends, I don't know that our other friendships will ever stand the test of time and space that this one does.
How fortunate to have these friends to bless our lives.
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Friends. Show all posts
Monday, August 29, 2011
Monday, January 10, 2011
More on friends
In my last post, I talked about the value of good friends for our youth. But the same is true, of course, for adults.
President Hinckley taught his now-famous triplet about what new members need: a friend, a responsibility, and the nurturing of the good word of Christ. In my parents' early days in the church, I think the new friends they made there were exceptionally important. We were fortunate to be introduced to the church by another family, neighbors up the street. So we had friends (one of their children first invited me to Primary) close by at the beginning. And others reached out to my folks, as well, helping them to feel a part of the branch from the outset.
I know for me, my best friend in the world is my wife. And having her with me at church has been critical to many of my choices, including my continuing activity. I know when we have moved to a new ward, she was there with me, and we've made the transition together. When she or I have assignments that take us away from our home ward, I miss being with her in church.
Most of my other church friendships come along with my assignments for service. I become close to other members of the group I'm serving with. And sometimes those friendships change a bit when the assignment does, just because we don't have circumstances that keep us together. But there have been a few lasting friendships – some closer than others – over the years.
When I was in high school and at a critical time for making key decisions about my life in the church and my future, I made a new friend in our ward. His simple friendship (and he really didn't do anything except be nice to me and be willing to hang out, beat me at tennis once in a while, and be a friend) tipped my scale in favor of continued activity and choices that led to a mission and a temple sealing. Could I have gotten there without him? Maybe. Would I have? I don't know. But I know having his friendship was important to me that senior year.
Several years ago in a period of pretty deep depression, I was able to open up to a friend who patiently listened. He didn't offer solutions, but allowed me to talk my way through my own. And his presence in my life that year made a huge difference to me.
For me, these friendships have been almost accidental. They have begun under the assumption that friendship would be agreeable to both of us. In other words, I have had to be open to friendship in order to find it. I could not simply wait for it to be bestowed upon me.
In some moments of reflection, I find myself asking if I'm doing enough to cultivate new friendships. Those new friendships would benefit me, and others, too, perhaps. Perhaps one day I can be a friend who will listen as another stews over doctrine, or puzzles over how to help a child in trouble, or faces big challenges just as others have been such a friend to me.
President Hinckley taught his now-famous triplet about what new members need: a friend, a responsibility, and the nurturing of the good word of Christ. In my parents' early days in the church, I think the new friends they made there were exceptionally important. We were fortunate to be introduced to the church by another family, neighbors up the street. So we had friends (one of their children first invited me to Primary) close by at the beginning. And others reached out to my folks, as well, helping them to feel a part of the branch from the outset.
I know for me, my best friend in the world is my wife. And having her with me at church has been critical to many of my choices, including my continuing activity. I know when we have moved to a new ward, she was there with me, and we've made the transition together. When she or I have assignments that take us away from our home ward, I miss being with her in church.
Most of my other church friendships come along with my assignments for service. I become close to other members of the group I'm serving with. And sometimes those friendships change a bit when the assignment does, just because we don't have circumstances that keep us together. But there have been a few lasting friendships – some closer than others – over the years.
When I was in high school and at a critical time for making key decisions about my life in the church and my future, I made a new friend in our ward. His simple friendship (and he really didn't do anything except be nice to me and be willing to hang out, beat me at tennis once in a while, and be a friend) tipped my scale in favor of continued activity and choices that led to a mission and a temple sealing. Could I have gotten there without him? Maybe. Would I have? I don't know. But I know having his friendship was important to me that senior year.
Several years ago in a period of pretty deep depression, I was able to open up to a friend who patiently listened. He didn't offer solutions, but allowed me to talk my way through my own. And his presence in my life that year made a huge difference to me.
For me, these friendships have been almost accidental. They have begun under the assumption that friendship would be agreeable to both of us. In other words, I have had to be open to friendship in order to find it. I could not simply wait for it to be bestowed upon me.
In some moments of reflection, I find myself asking if I'm doing enough to cultivate new friendships. Those new friendships would benefit me, and others, too, perhaps. Perhaps one day I can be a friend who will listen as another stews over doctrine, or puzzles over how to help a child in trouble, or faces big challenges just as others have been such a friend to me.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Friends and Church Activity
In one of our ward councils recently our Young Women's president expressed concern about participation among the youth of our ward.
It's not a new concern, certainly. Anyone who has parented teenagers has worried about how to keep his kids active in church, hoping they'll somehow find that spark of testimony that will propel them to those decisions that will bless their lives in a lasting way.
And most of us who have been there understand that there's no easy answer and there are certainly no guarantees.
A number of years ago, during my service as bishop in a ward that had a fairly large group of young men, we had a summit meeting of sorts with everyone who had anything to do with young men and boys from age 8 – 18. We were concerned about the drop out rate and wondered what (more) we could be doing to stem the tide. (I should point out that we did not discuss young women in this meeting, because we had seven in the ward, all of whom were quite active, but I suspect we could have had a similar discussion about young women and reached similar conclusions.)
We – bishopric, Aaronic priesthood advisers, scout leaders, Primary teachers & leaders, and a few interested parents – gathered for a Saturday morning. We reviewed programs, scriptures and stories of rescues (from the oft-told stories of the rescued handcart pioneers to a dramatic military rescue of a soldier behind enemy lines). We taught ourselves again of the value of these young people and the need to do whatever could be done to reach them.
A sizable portion of our meeting was brainstorming in small groups to generate ideas of what to do next. Everything was on the table from how we organized our scouting activities to assigning adult mentors to rethinking home teaching companionships to the way we collected fast offerings.
My biggest learning from the day was about the value of friends. It seems the kids who did the best had friends at church, and it seems those friendships helped to reinforce positive choices. It wasn't universally true – some kids who seemed to have good friends at church still made poor choices – but particularly for teenagers it seemed critical to have friends who reinforced what the kids had learned at home and at church.
That lesson bore itself out with my own kids over time. Those who had close friendships at church that reinforced the gospel teaching our kids were getting at home stayed truer and tended to make better choices. Those who didn't have those personal connections at church drifted away more easily and found it harder to hang on while waiting for the fire of testimony to ignite.
As I listened to our Young Women's president and to the discussion that followed, I thought about the tough road our kids face. From their parents they see an example of gospel service and the attendant blessings, but there are many other messages they see as well. At some critical times, a parent's voice is not the first one they hear. Or want to hear.
Of course the challenge is how to encourage those friendships. One of the most unnatural acts (especially for kids) is to be "assigned" to make friends.
I welcome your thoughts.
It's not a new concern, certainly. Anyone who has parented teenagers has worried about how to keep his kids active in church, hoping they'll somehow find that spark of testimony that will propel them to those decisions that will bless their lives in a lasting way.
And most of us who have been there understand that there's no easy answer and there are certainly no guarantees.
A number of years ago, during my service as bishop in a ward that had a fairly large group of young men, we had a summit meeting of sorts with everyone who had anything to do with young men and boys from age 8 – 18. We were concerned about the drop out rate and wondered what (more) we could be doing to stem the tide. (I should point out that we did not discuss young women in this meeting, because we had seven in the ward, all of whom were quite active, but I suspect we could have had a similar discussion about young women and reached similar conclusions.)
We – bishopric, Aaronic priesthood advisers, scout leaders, Primary teachers & leaders, and a few interested parents – gathered for a Saturday morning. We reviewed programs, scriptures and stories of rescues (from the oft-told stories of the rescued handcart pioneers to a dramatic military rescue of a soldier behind enemy lines). We taught ourselves again of the value of these young people and the need to do whatever could be done to reach them.
A sizable portion of our meeting was brainstorming in small groups to generate ideas of what to do next. Everything was on the table from how we organized our scouting activities to assigning adult mentors to rethinking home teaching companionships to the way we collected fast offerings.
My biggest learning from the day was about the value of friends. It seems the kids who did the best had friends at church, and it seems those friendships helped to reinforce positive choices. It wasn't universally true – some kids who seemed to have good friends at church still made poor choices – but particularly for teenagers it seemed critical to have friends who reinforced what the kids had learned at home and at church.
That lesson bore itself out with my own kids over time. Those who had close friendships at church that reinforced the gospel teaching our kids were getting at home stayed truer and tended to make better choices. Those who didn't have those personal connections at church drifted away more easily and found it harder to hang on while waiting for the fire of testimony to ignite.
As I listened to our Young Women's president and to the discussion that followed, I thought about the tough road our kids face. From their parents they see an example of gospel service and the attendant blessings, but there are many other messages they see as well. At some critical times, a parent's voice is not the first one they hear. Or want to hear.
Of course the challenge is how to encourage those friendships. One of the most unnatural acts (especially for kids) is to be "assigned" to make friends.
I welcome your thoughts.
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