Ideal Families in the Proclamation

Today's post is cross-posted at Middle-aged Mormon Man as part of the Proclamation Celebration. You can find it here. At MMM's site you'll also find links to the other hosters of the the celebration. I invite you head on over and take a spin! But read this first:

There’s occasionally discussion of a conundrum in gospel teaching. None of us is perfect, yet we’re all teaching one another the gospel so that we can do as the Savior commanded us, and become perfect. As a result, much of what we teach is, as a good friend of mine says, “aspirational.”

You know how this goes: you teach a lesson on missionary work knowing full well that you’re a bit of a slug in that department, or you teach about family relations and all you can remember is the disagreement you and your lovely spouse had over something insignificant that morning.

There’s an extended concern some people raise, namely that we teach a standard that is unachievable, and we therefore put ourselves in the impossible position of always trying, but never attaining it. In so doing we become discouraged (at least) or disaffected (at worst). None of those responses seem consistent with the Savior’s injunction that His yolk is easy and His burden is light.

How does The Family: A Proclamation to the World cope with that conundrum?

First, the standards are established in the Proclamation:

1. Marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God

2. The family is central to the Creator’s plan for us and is ordained of God

3. We are all created in the image of God, and each of us is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents

4. We all worshiped God in the pre-mortal existence and accepted the present plan of salvation

5. Temple covenants allow family relationships to extend beyond the grave

6. The powers of procreation, consistent with God’s command to Adam & Eve, are to be used within a marriage between a husband and wife

7. Husbands & wives should love each other and care for their children, rearing them in love and righteousness, providing for their physical & spiritual needs, teaching them to love & serve one another and to be obedient to the laws of God and man

8. Children are entitled to be born to parents who are married and to be reared by parents who honor their marital vows and are completely faithful to one another

9. Happiness is most likely when families live within the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ, organizing their families accordingly

10. Those who violate covenants or fail to fulfill family responsibilities will stand accountable before God, and the disintegration of families will bring consequences to individuals, communities and nations

Is the bar too high? Who could feel left out or uncomfortable by these mileposts? Well, there are probably some:

1. Unmarried adults. Although the proclamation never says it’s evil not to be married, it’s pretty clear that those who are not married are missing out on something that’s “central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children.”

2. Married couples without children. Whether by choice or for some other reason, childless couples may feel left out of the blessings of family life.

3. Single parents and their children. Whether these parents had their children out of wedlock, or are single because of divorce or death of a spouse, they are single. Their children are (perhaps) not enjoying “birth within the bounds of matrimony” or being “reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.” They do not have both a father who presides and a mother who nurtures.

4. Covenant breakers. There’s pretty harsh language for those who break marital covenants, abuse spouse or offspring, or who fail to fulfill family responsibilities.

What’s the remedy? Does the Proclamation provide any solace or help? Yes, of course it does.

1. Like so many gospel truths, those presented in The Family: A Proclamation to the World appear as opportunities for us. If we find ourselves in families, here is how we can maximize the joy of that circumstance. The Proclamation itself is not a commandment to marry, nor is it a commandment to have children; it is a description of how we can have the best marriages and families we can. Further, it teaches that all of us, married or not, are children of loving heavenly parents, and that blessings accrue to us for that reason alone. The language of the Proclamation says to me, “If you are married, then…” and “If you are a parent, then…”

2. The Proclamation itself recognizes that we are not perfect. In the list of qualities that contribute to the most successful families are these: “faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities.” Number three and four on that list make clear that the Lord acknowledges (as if He needed to) that we are not perfect. (Of course His real acknowledgement of that fact is far more significant since he gave His own life that we might live and return home to our Father in Heaven.) The fact is that every marriage and every family is made up of imperfect people who (sometimes, at least) are trying to do the best they can.

3. The Proclamation recognizes a family’s need to personalize the application of the Proclamation. As it discusses the best chance for happy families, it reminds us: “In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners. Disability, death, or other circumstances may necessitate individual adaptation.” It’s not inconceivable to me that one family might choose to have mom work and dad stay home with the kids because of their individual circumstances, for instance. In another family (in many families today), both parents may need to work, and then they’ll have to sort out how to nurture and provide. Families with only one parent in the home (for whatever the reason) will have to sort out how to carry the whole load of parenting. (Elder Baxter’s words from this past conference still ring in my ears.) It would seem that in some geographic areas, exceptions are the rule, and the Proclamation makes clear that that’s ok.

4. Even the covenant breakers will be accountable to God. Covenant breakers do exist, and God knows that. And He will deal with them. It is not up to me to judge someone else. I cannot judge a single dad, wondering what failed in his marriage to put him where he is. I cannot judge a teenage mom and wonder why she made the choices she did. All I can do is follow the admonition of the Proclamation and teach by my example respect, love and compassion. I’m not suggesting that covenant breakers get a pass. They will pay appropriately for their transgressions. But unless I’m in law enforcement, the aggrieved party or the bishop, it won’t be my decision or my concern how that happens.

The Proclamation itself allows for exceptions and teaches clearly that we will not all measure up all the time to the standards of the proclamation. Does that diminish the ideal? No, of course not. Does it change my aspiration to work to have one of those “successful marriages and families”? No, of course not. Does it give me license to teach the ideal and turn a blind eye or deaf ear to the concerns of those who are not living the ideal? No, of course not.

One might argue, if families are “central to the Creator’s plan for the eternal destiny of His children” that the stakes are so high that we should only teach the ideal with rigor, letting the chips fall where they may. But in my view that would be wrong (and inconsistent with the example of the brethren and the Proclamation itself). Indeed, if families are central to that plan (and I believe they are), we should do all we can to lift up the hands that hang down, to comfort those who stand in need of comfort, and to work so that all families of every stripe realize as many blessings taught in the Proclamation as possible. We are among the responsible citizens called upon by the Proclamation to “promote those measures designed to maintain and strengthen the family as the fundamental unit of society.”

Let us work to promote families in which parents can nurture their children, as well as provide for and protect them. Let us teach one another to practice faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love and compassion – within our families and from one family to the next. Let us accept the standards as aspirational blessings that we seek and take steps to realize those blessings as far as we can, relying that the Lord will recognize our efforts and can make us whole where we fall short.

It's here!

So, if the stars all align and MMM does what he said he’d do, clicking that blue-green frame to the right should take you to the Proclamation Celebration. So click away, but after reading this:

I love The Family: A Proclamation to the World!

Here’s why:

1. I love my family, and I want to be a better dad. The proclamation helps me with that.

2. I love the Lord, and I think the proclamation does a great job of teaching what He wants me to know about families, based on scriptures and words of modern prophets.

3. I love our modern prophets (you know, the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve). They authored the proclamation, and I trust them to lead me where the Lord wants me to go.

By the way, here’s a link to The Family: A Proclamation to the World, just in case you haven’t read it in a while. Click here.

Now, get clicking! And you’re welcome!

UPDATE: When I checked at 745 EDT, MMM hadn't yet started his Celebration posts. Sorry for that. I guess I get up earlier than he does... ;-) Keep checking...


UPDATE II: Looks like he finally woke up! Let the Celebration begin!! (BTW, check these links for more Proclamation Celebration posts:

Chocolate on My Cranium


Diapers and Divinity


We Talk of Christ, We Rejoice in Christ

Saving Marriage -- Part II

A second in an occasional series (Part I here).

It may come as a shock to some of you, but when we marry, we marry humans. Flawed, imperfect humans. I know that’s hard to believe. People who are courting tend to see fewer flaws (and work very, very hard to hide their own). And in those early honeymoon years of marriage, we tend to work hard to hide them, too.

But sooner or later it will dawn on us: my spouse is as human as I am. Yikes! (Of course this thought, if we are lucky, might be tempered by the realization that our spouse has already figured that out about us.)

Since we’re human, we will make mistakes. All sorts of mistakes. We’ll do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing, think the wrong thing. We’ll hurt one another’s feelings (whether we mean to or not), and we may take offense, even when none is intended. We’ll be judgmental. We may even try to change one another.

How do good marriages survive those kinds of mistakes? I certainly don’t have all the answers, but I have one: Charity.

Before you hit the delete key, thinking you’ve stumbled on another Sunday School answer, let me explain. If ever there were a place for charity (that is, the pure love of Christ) it is in our homes with our spouses. And (if my experience is any measure) it may the hardest place to have charity.

Why should we have charity? Well, we’ve spent weeks, months, maybe years trying to convince our spouse during the courting years that we were in love. That love should not peter out after the wedding, but should continue to grow. And that love should grow beyond the romantic and sexual love that are so prevalent during courting. (And if we nurture it, it does grow!) We’ve made covenants with that spouse of ours and part of honoring that covenant is to foster the development of love in the relationship.

What good does charity do in a marriage? Plenty! I have a friend who signs off her emails with the words “Assume the best.” Not a bad motto, and especially not a bad motto within our families. In a family with charity, I could assume that whatever my lovely wife says to me is said with love and concern for me. If I choose to hear everything that way, I am much less likely to take offense or feel the need to defend my position. And if I am always assuming the best about my spouse, then I am much less likely to offend in the first place, because I’m more likely to put her needs above mine in the relationship. (The fact that I understand this intellectually should not lead you to a conclusion that I actually do it all the time; I fail often, because I’m human.)

President Kimball taught that the best marriages are not 50:50 affairs in which each partner loses half the time. Instead they are 100:100 unions in which each spouse looks out for the good of the other, and each spouse finds joy in helping the other to succeed. That’s a risky proposition if the relationship is unhealthy, because one spouse who gives 100% to another spouse who gives nothing is a recipe for therapy at best, and maybe even ending the marriage or worse. But in a healthy relationship, giving ourselves to one another is a valuable component of a successful marriage.

But even in the most charitable marriage, there may be some moments that are not perfect. In those instances, charity leads to forgiveness. (Forgiveness is my letting go of the offense, not my excusing the other party from the consequences of that offense, by the way.) I’m grateful for the charity that my lovely wife shows toward me when she overlooks my flaws and forgives me for mistakes. Interestingly, that does not mean she suffers silently while I do things that annoy her. It means that she has learned over the years to speak to me in a kind, yet assertive, way that communicates her needs in our relationship, so that I have an opportunity to step up and do my part. She speaks from her point of view (which is all she can do). She does not dictate how I respond, and she does not demand that I do certain things. But she tells me what she thinks, what she sees, and what she needs. And she does it kindly.

It’s up to me, then, to determine how to respond. When I respond with charity, I seek to understand her point of view, to understand her needs and to sort out where I’m not meeting those needs. And to change what I’m doing. Our marriage is one where we seek to support one another and to meet one another’s needs. I win when she wins. And she wins when I win. (Some days the kids win, but that’s a whole different kettle of fish.)

In the next installment (whenever that is) I’ll talk about how we get people to change.

Commencing

My oldest daughter (and fourth child) graduated from BYU today. She’s the second of our kids to graduate college, and the first to graduate from BYU. It was hard not to think of our own graduation (my wife and I received our bachelor’s degrees together in 1983) and make comparisons. Her graduation was much larger than ours (hers in April, ours in August). Her commencement speaker was Richard G. Scott (delightful!); ours was Hugh Nibley (also delightful, but in quite different ways).

Our daughter is quite nervous leaving the safety of BYU, though she will also tell you she is ready. She has no job, yet, but has a few leads, including a big interview next week that we hope will go well. And she has a backup plan or two in case that doesn’t pan out. If all else fails, she can spend a while at our house and sort out options for the future.

As I look with her toward her future, I also look toward my own. I’m coming ever closer to the time when I said I’d go back and certify to teach, and wonder if I ever will. I face my own uncertainty about those big decisions that can change the future, and it’s no easier for me than for my daughter. In some ways it’s more difficult for me, since I still have kids at home to get through school.

But it’s telling that commencement signals the beginning, not the end. And many of us learn that each day is a new beginning. We do not “graduate” from things in life, but each day we commence anew, seeking to know God’s will for us that day, to know whom we can serve and how. We commence each week as we partake of the sacrament and renew sacred covenants. We commence as we attend the temple for those who have died before us and remember covenants we have made there and recommit ourselves to honor them. We commence as we regularly rededicate ourselves to those relationships that are most important to us. We commence as we repent of our mistakes and invite the blessings of the atonement to help us to improve.

A friend reminds me from time to time, Right where you are is a great place to begin. Here’s to beginning.

What a father wants

Yesterday was a delightful father's day. I heard kind wishes from all my children and was treated to lovely meals and gifts. And I had a chance to think about my own dad who died a few years ago.

As I think about my dad, I try to imagine what he would want from me. Especially at the end of his life, gifts had little meaning. He was aging, and spent his last years in a nursing home where he had little room for things, and his aging mind, sadly, also had little room for things, either.

As I thought about honoring him, I've concluded that what I can continue to offer him is what I hope my children will continue to offer me: the honor of good lives well lived with kindness and compassion toward others.

I've written before that some of my children are walking paths I would not have chosen for them. They have found more comfort outside the faith of their childhood than in it, and that makes me sad when I dwell on it, only because my feelings about that faith are so strong. But over time I'm happy to feel the ties that bind me to my children are stronger than those of disappointment. Because even in their separate paths they are honorable and honest. They are kind and generous – toward one another and toward others. They are loyal friends and ready to lend a helping hand where they can.

I had a brief conversation with one of my sons (an ongoing philosophical conversation) about what constitutes a family, and about the need for the marriage covenant. He has many friends who come from single parent homes, and does not want to dishonor them by suggesting that the home of their origin is something less than his where his parents were (and still are!) married.

This is my son who has always loved to spar with me; when he was thirteen I could not say it was light outside without his disagreeing. So I know better than to try to convince him. He is right, of course: his friends do come from families, many of them very loving and good, even if they are not traditional.

But I still maintain that the model has not changed: a married father and mother working together to provide for, protect and nurture the children that come to their home. That other solutions also have worked does not negate the value of the basic model. That not all "traditional" families work also does not negate the value of the ideal.

The Family: A Proclamation to the World teaches the model. Divine scripture teaches the model. And wise people do their best to emulate the model.

What this father wants? What my father wanted: for my children to be happy, successful, and safe in families of their own one day.

To Life!

There is something about babies that just melts me. I'm the dad of seven. And in our extended family we have within the last few weeks had three more little ones join us, with another two on the way very shortly. Seeing photos of these little ones (all on FB; thanks very much techo-geeks who make all this possible) brings tears to my eyes. It's silly, really. These aren't my kids, or even my grandkids, but they are my niece and children of my nieces and nephews. And they are just amazing.

Over the years when my own children were born, we went from steel delivery tables to remarkable birthing suites. We watched with awe as the technology of disposable diapers moved from plastic-bag-with-padding-in-it to something that holds more liquid than a small camel. Our car seats evolved from the Bobby-Mac "barrel" design (I felt like I was strapping my child into a space craft) to five-point restraints in seats that doubled as strollers.

But in the end, it's the babies! All the fingers and toes and eyelashes and little pudgy knuckles and poofy hair that would rub off in the first few months. It was apgar scores and calling the help from "our friends in the neo-natal unit" when #2 wasn't breathing right (he did just fine after all) and bilirubin counts (and "the lights" for some). It was giving my wife space to nurse and then sitting with her when she nursed so she wouldn't feel alone. It was my son who didn't want anyone to touch him or my daughter who only wanted her mother to touch her, or others who didn't care who held them. It was anticipation fueled by the picture book A Child Is Born that couldn't even imagine the real thing, and it was the amazement every time that these babies are so small, so new, so fresh, so helpless.

When my first child was born, my mother said to me as she left after spending a week with us (my wife's mom had been there the first week), "Don't worry. You'll do fine. Just follow your instincts." I told her my instinct was to call her!

We stumbled as parents every step of the way. Our children taught us over time as much as we've taught them. And they continue to do so. They are still amazing in so many, many ways, continuing to surprise and delight us, even as many have entered adulthood, and some have chosen paths we would not have imagined for them.

But they all started – we all started – as these little tiny helpless bundles of new life. I consider myself fortunate to get to see it happen over and over again, and to remember what a blessing this life is, and what a blessing these little lives are in our world.

A Nod to Valentine's Day: True Love

In a nod to the season, a comment on True Love:

I don't have a huge data sample but I've been fortunate to observe what I think is "true love".

I don't have to look much farther than my own marriage, but I see it in others' marriages, too, so I don't think I'm alone in what I'm about to write.

My lovely wife and I have been married almost 30 years (this coming June). That statistic is pretty cool, but not terribly unusual among my circle of friends (many of whom are not LDS). And there are lots of reasons for people to stay together through thick and thin, but the biggest reason we do, I think, is that we love each other.

When my wife and I were dating (we met at age 17 and started dating, saw one another every day from the time we met through our freshman year at BYU, wrote (but not every week) through my mission, and married when I came home. I had known her for about three weeks when I started to feel like she was "the one" for me. (In fairness, my lovely wife, more conservative than I was, took longer to be convinced. And even so, we didn't ever discuss long term commitments before my mission – not that we said we wouldn't, it just didn't come up.)

How did I know? Well, aside from just having a great time whenever she was around, I think it was that she made me want to be better than I would have been without her. I guess that might sound kind of sappy in a 1940's Hollywood Love Story kind of way, but it's true. (I used to joke with youth when I was in a position to do so that I married my wife because she was a seminary graduate. Though that wasn't strictly my thought process, the principle was right. I knew she was good and kind and she had graduated seminary (and I hadn't; maybe that's why she took longer to decide whether to take a chance on me…). I could tell that she was going where I wanted to go, and fortunately she let me come along with her.)

When my son got married last year, we sat in the kitchen of his bride's parents the day before the wedding, and I was telling the bride's dad that one of the reasons we were so happy about this wedding is that our son is just a better person when he's around his bride. Her dad looked at me and said, "We were just talking yesterday and observed the same thing about B."

So with my sample of two, I've counseled my other kids to look for someone who makes them better than they are. And someone for whom they do the same thing.

- Paul

PS: Feb 14 is also Chinese New Year. Xin nian kuai le!)